prickypicks

To betray you must first belong

2006-07-21T03:36:00.000-07:00

'How could you, after all we have been through?' Please take care you are not the one to say that next time because there's never any need at all. Prior belonging is an essential ingredient of all betrayal, at least if the betrayal is supposed to make meaning.How can anyone sell you out if you hadn't earlier perceived them as allies or otherwise?
It is quite senseless to keep reminding the betrayer of the success of their game plan by getting so shocked that they could take the least expected step and do so much harm. After all the whole sequence, including their efforts to belong pain had long been planned for the sole purpose to achieve the betrayal.
The only wise thing therefore, is to check it all from the first stage,the stage of belonging.You must set your own starndards of belonging and be sure to check that everyone who 'belongs' first fits the criteria for such belonging.Guess that's why people have learnt the difference between love and lust(just an example) and have known how to spare their hearts in the former and give their hearts in the latter. Its just one way to avert unnecessary disappointment.
So in the event of betrayal just take time to evaluate the first step, did the concerned actually belong and if they did was it rightful belonging?. In most cases the answer to the above is a plain no. So don't waste time mourning the offenders and asking them to reverse their actions, life is precious don't waste it. Just go on and mend your fences and learn how to control that crucial step, just who belongs and who doesn't.

For all that is good

2006-07-03T02:37:00.000-07:00

They say all that nature gives; in beauty, youth and spring, nature itself soon takes away. A fact that remains true to this day. However subject to ourselves, what we give to nature can last a longer time than all it has given us if we graciously use our gifts wisely and well enough to return, other than take away from nature in useless, selfish attempts to please our ego and vanity. So choose today. Remember in the end, it isn't so much what you did for yourself that counts, but your service as a positive instrument of nature is that which speaks after you are long gone.Always know that a life time aint too long.

Once bitten twice shy, twice as wise or forever smitten.

2006-05-15T22:45:00.000-07:00

in life they say one takes their pick and while getting bitten is not so much of an option, at least for those who want to live their lives fully, how one takes the bite is entirely one's own choice.
taking the bite bravely does not mean ridiculously pretending that it doesn't hurt because it certainly does hurt, that's why it is a bite,however acknowledging pain and choosing to be positive about it is a plus for any self respecting person.
The three attitudes above are seen everyday in different people. A little description of the three is as follows:
twice shy
This is the typical attitude of a child who was scolded for its size, looks or accent.See such things very few of us can change and for the extremely sensitive child the taste they leave in the mind is that of an everlasting, indelible sourness that even time cannot erase. As we grow older we go on fighting these unknown deep seated fears and memories that we can never face directly and hence we are in a constant shadow fight with ourselves. Soon it becomes okay to let our selfesteem be bogged and crushed unless we get courageous enough to revive and heal that little hurting child in a rational other than emotional manner.
twice as wiseNow this is the attitude of a born winner trained in self compassion and an outstanding belief in himself.Its all about knowing one's intrinsic self worth and refusing to surrender it to failure, rejection or fear. It requires a solid relationship with one's Maker and it calls us to see the bigger picture. Everything is seen as a lesson for one's improvement, a blessing though often in disguise. It is a winner's attitude.
forever smitten
Now this one is for the unfortunate one who just believes the world is all against him. Its that jilted lover that can never love again or that bright student that can not make his grade again. Unless quickly counselled such people end up self destructing with no one to hold on to.

A positive attitude is not so much merely chanting self glorifying adages, but it is a thorough inspection, internalizing and implementation of the Truth that sets us free. The Truth is there, almost always too good and too big to be true but with God's Grace even the faintest of hearts can be the winner. If only we learnt to surrender and chose to learn of Him.
So today you still have a choice take it.

Its my life

2006-01-22T23:18:00.000-08:00

You have it right; a teenage gal bangs the door at the seemingly overprotective mother,an undergraduate throws the words after being quizzed on missing class... the list is endless.All the above are rebels of sorts, renagades, a people eager for a new way that detaches from the convention.They are strong characters but often playing the wrong part.
In more common settings the popular notion comes in handy when dealing with the negative. It only reflects the determination of the 'rebel' to depart from the norm, to stand out and speak his mind often contrary to the teaching of those before him.While rebellion may not always be wrong we often catch ourselves pinching our noses at these people, telling them its only a matter of time before they get back to the real world.We are naturally against the strength of their character because it goes a long way to display our own failure to revolt against the norm.We hate to see ourselves as prisoners of an unknown system whose ideals we do not necessarily concur with.Our submission to this rule is therefore exposed by the more daring folk, whose often open and provocative defiance to a norm none of us could dare question leaves us totally uneasy.
However in our world today independent thinking is a prerequisite.Greatness is a very lonely road that only very few have travelled.History is made by those who have dared to step out of their shoes.It does little good for one to try to fit in a box when they were made to fill a whole house.
For the great thinkers however, zeal without knowledge is extremely dangerous.Most of us have the fiber and what it takes to attain our mark and show a new way, only we lack the character.Its the case of a good actor taking the wrong role.It doesn't have to be a reckless course that defines us.We can stand up for a higher calling instead.
Let's think of charting a new way that has a positive contribution, desire to improve ourselves and others.Indeed we could work longer hours,visit the sick, make up with our enemies or do some voluntary service.All to prove that it's our life.
Always remember its your life ,put it into good use!

Love is so many things

2005-11-25T09:17:00.000-08:00

Love is the unquestioning sacrifice we make for others
Love is keeping silent when we die to speak
Love is sorting out one's words ever so meticulously
Love is forgiving when you'd rather keep a grudge
Love is accepting another's darkest side
Love is going that extra mile without expecting an overtime fee
Love is the conscious effort to remain self-controlled even when you'd rather bust
And yet

Love is taking a firm stand against all adversity
Love is saying a gentle but firm 'no' to the unreasonable
Love is having to single out a particular person from a group
Love is a do or die struggle to preserve one's dignity and the interests of those we love
Love is a gentle but meaningful correction
Oh yes
Love is a feeling best expressed in action

Did you say you love.....,think again!

On a light note

2005-10-14T05:29:00.000-07:00

Of course I have an apology to make, Milonare nitajitetea nikiwa upande wa mashahidi!!
Now these things that we hope do not happen on our wedding days,at times do happen you know.Remember your first campus meet,'Meet the freshmen kind of thing?'Oh yeah the new faces, seniors trying to find the pretty ones and generally getting a taste of what it would be like for the next few years there.Far from the high fliers,the kind of faces everyone cranes to see, I spotted another rather reserved freshman apparently trying all he could to keep up with the hub hub that must have been pure torture for those of his kind.Being a year ahead and remebering my own blues on a day like this one the year before, I chose to be a friend and help him through.I edged my way towards him making it clear to everyone else that my attention was taken.Now to even say hallo, to break the ice and get a rapport wasn't one easy task.He was the really reserved kind with that 'do not disturb' attitude.One can only imagine how ridiculous it was for me to keep trying small talk about the flavour of his drink only to be given a real cold shoulder.Nonetheless I pressed on and to my relief he eased up enough to smile-and what a smile- a gift I still treasure.
Mike, as I came to learn,was a nice person.He was a bright student and all, only he suffered some personal complex that made it difficult for him to relate with others leave alone with himself.A psychology student myself and with a personal liking for this softspoken freshman, I made it my duty to nurse the guy to health.
So it followed that I had acquired a rather sweet problem in my hands:phone calls at midnight to speak to a stressed out Mike or hours on Sunday afternoon doing all I could to reassure and nurture a grown yet so timid guy.As you can guess I grew to fall in love with him.Watching him progress,heal and become a great independent guy was a joy I savoured everyday.
After one year Mike had grown both in stature and mind.He was not the same timid guy we knew and we were the best of friends still maintaining our connection.Ours seemed to be beyond the normal love relationship. We always felt together even though quite independent of each other.Even after I left campus, we still kept it real with mail and visits.
There comes a time when one just feels like taking things to a conclusion in any relationship mmm?So this time I go ahead and ask him his plans about us .He hesitates and says he'll soon answer, why lie I am stressed now, really stressed.In the end I'm made to know that there's this one gal whom Mike's mum thinks is the best for him and of course he'd never forget me as a good friend and hope I'll understand...Now of course I read between the lines. As far as I know there's little a Mum could do if Mike were truly into my dose,the real issue was just me and him,no use to lie.Now I went through the normal really blue moments wondering why life was so unfair and trying in vain to cause Mike to change his mind.
So finally comes the wedding day and in spite of me I drag myself on, just to see Mike go away from me and forever I would have to hold my peace.The wedding was all good, finery and all.Save for the constant lump on my throat all was beautiful.I chose the last row careful to remain neutral and composed.Next to me was a guy, middle aged and looking good only rather bored and nonchalant.Must be one of those younger bros who just didn't appreciate the fuss that's nuptials.I identified with him ,only for a different reason.
The crux of the matter finally came.The voice was clear,'If anyone has a good reason....or forever hold your peace.'I looked up struggling to keep calm.Then Mike's eyes were on me,just like they'd been so many times before when he was in his low moods, I wept inside.The moment was tense, no one spoke.The pastor,happy to conclude the moment, opened his mouth to speak,but soon shut it.In a bold voice Mike had interrupted him saying, 'I think I do.'What ensued was that awkward pandemonium of 'what?' 'how?', the kind after the results of an election.The hitherto bored fellow next to me was visibly vibrant,working his way to the front amid everyone's protests.I came to learn he was the prospective boyfriend of today's bride, strange that we should have sat together.
Fearing unwanted curiosity seekers I quickly left for my home, leaving Mike to stand for his own will as is required of all of us at one time in life.
After a grueling two hours Mike was at my doorstep,just like he'd been so many days before.Something in his eyes told me he'd always be mine, only this time round I needed him to propose to me.

To stand the world a drink!!

2005-08-26T04:15:00.000-07:00

We knew her, she'd grown up with us.There wasn't much difference between us except that as the growing up years became trickier and trickier,she couldn't cope.The thing with good morals and personal temperance didn't seem to come too easy with her.As with most parents, ours had warned us ever so severly, to keep off her paths or else we'd become just as miserable like she had been. Her stories were heard far and wide, her shame embraced her wherever she went. She was your typical easy woman, often without friends. Some sympathised, others made fun while others just remained indifferent. Life went on, each day with a new visitor at her door. Nobody was courageous enough to care, she was a gone case, the kind left only to God's all encompassing mercies.
Eventually, however she made her way to town where by some good grace she discovered her talents in showbiz and for once in her life she had actually become great.It was evident in her every move.The once tired lines on her face had become a perfect complexion, sanguine with suppleness and health.The forever agonised countenance was now aglow with confidence and beaming with the possibilities that her world had created for her.
The news of her come back was on every lip again just as that of her mischief had been.We listened with eager anticipation downing each detail with mixed feelings,preparing ourselves for the final stage which would be to see for ourselves.
Finally the day came and yes our eyes couldn't help but stare; the beauty was remarkable and the underlying success spoke louder than any words could.We held our breath like children caught stealing sugar, she strode past us, a beautiful tigress at the prime of her glory.Tension was mounting as scenes from the past kept unfolding in our minds. It was a past we had both created, in our words, judgements and convictions. Before, we had been the favoured ones and our criticism often acrid and insensitive, had always been thrown at her. She had been the prisoner in our dock with no lawyer to stand for her. She had known many men and many knew her but none stood with her as a friend.Loneliness had become a part of her. Slowly she had learnt to do without friends becoming her own mentor and comforter. With that bitterness of the soul known only to the misfits of the earth, she had learnt how to boldly repel us and had decided to be the single handed creature of the night that takes in the cold, the fear and the drab but still spins gold out of it.
Now with the advent of change she knew we were forced to acknowledge her success and that we did, only with many a lump in our throats.Yes we had wronged her, that we knew, but so how we'd we make up? She percieved the world as an enemy,to whom she'd always work hard to prove herself.It was clear to her that she was never among friends when she was with us.She'd either lose or win but we could never share the same plate as friends would.
Her newly acquired success must have seemed to her as the franchise with which she would enter our world or better still a mark she now had over us.Deep inside however, she wished to reconcile herself with her past enemies.Guess in the end, past bitterness and all were simply made easier by the passage of time and her apparent mastery over all her odds enough to succeed like she had. She was willing to let it all go and hug us tight like long lost friends would.
So she invited us for a drink. It wasn't your regular wine, but the kind that talks of class and social elevation.We sat down to the feast, a celebration to mark the end of an era.With grace and style she poured the drink into our glasses. Avoiding each other's eyes we flowed on, following the social niceties demanded of us.Our throats tightened with mixed sentiments, more like actors who forgot their words on stage. Slowly however the taste of the wine seemed to revive the unwept tears of a past we were all so eager to bury. The old wounds started bleeding again.Suddenly we seemed like wolves in her table ready to prey on her kindness, just like we had mocked her earlier misdeeds. The whole ceremony appeared more of a plea for our acceptance on her part.Her once immaculate face clouded with obvious disgust.Who were we that she should work so hard for our acceptance?Hadn't she lived without us for so long?The once orderly table responded to the wave of emotion in our host. It shook like a broken reed spilling the drink not to mention spoiling the feast.We watched in horror, prisoners of our own consciences.Yes she had succeeded but that was never enough for us, somehow it was easier to have her where she had been.She stared back with rage. We knew we had to leave.
Like her, some of us wish to stand the world a drink. To flaunt our success to those that had earlier despised us, indeed to prove ourselves against their prejudice.But that may not come too easy. When we are finally ready the world is either too shy or too mean to come for its drink.What is the use of waiting to live another day, i.e the day you'll finally be able to prove yourself to the world? Instead of standing the world the drink which in most cases becomes a wasted effort I'd rataher one stood themselves the drink instead. Acknowledge your heartaches, misfortunes and the mountains you need to climb, then resolve the situation with your Maker. I am sure He will reassure you and give you a new reason to live.Sooner or later one would realise who they really owe an apology.It isn't the world out there, but it's with your Maker with whom you need to renew contacts. We all need unconditional love and acceptance something we cannot earn by trying to redeem our past.Whenever you feel like having to stand the world a drink just know you need something higher and more meaningful. Resolve the situation with your own Maker who truly loves you unconditionally and has all the answers to the mystery that your life may seem.It helps little to think you can just forget and forgive just coz of the passage of time. It never works like that. You need to resolve yur past and forgive not just cover up with some expensive drink, it never comes too easy.After which you should stop wishing to win peoples acceptance by attempting to redeem your past. In fact you do not owe them an apology.They have no right to put you in a prison of their own making.You should consider yourself ready for an honest and healthy friendship that does not lay down rules for you. Stand yourself the drink and set yourself free!

Once an eagle

2005-07-23T10:24:00.000-07:00

Odd title that?I could say the same. Now do not dismiss it too fast, it is in fact a quote,quite a sensible one, the kind that gets one thinking.

Goes like this:
'Once an eagle examined the shaft of an arrow,and after a while he looked up and said,"Indeed it's by our own feathers that we are smitten."'
As simple as it is, this quote got me thinking.They never use foreign stuff to harm us,those who eventually do.No.It's never too far fetched. If you must know,it is just what you are; what comprises you,a part of your own self.It's never an object of too much thought.It could be that weakness of yours,or even your best strength; that makes the best and ready substrate to get you caged.Ever thought of it?Now take a while to refresh your memory ....Not very pleasant,d'accord, none of us finds it very interesting.Situations like these are many.Remember the day they got you trapped in a difficult choice because of your greed for cheap popularity?,or even how they messed up your last relationship coz they knew your Achilles heel?Oh yeah, that insecurity you keep fighting with,they knew just how to get round you.The correct button went flashing and they knew just when to press.You fell head long for the trick.You were ready for your,hitherto cherished partner's,neck declaring the relationship over,not to mention taking to another one,in a quick rebound attempt. Baby,think again.
Just what is the basis of divide and rule?Nothing more than cheap lies to create divisions by stratifying a people.You've been friends for so long,your differences were never an issue;you always had a healthy way to deal with them.Suddenly a stranger comes with that poison that makes your former buddies look like 'some crude bunch of hopeless hangers on',for whom you have little need of. Reason?You are suddenly so much higher than them and you don't care anymore.Slowly you become easy prey for the skilled ones and you get lost.After a while,the stranger gets you sapped up and of course,sooner or later gets to leave you alone,spent and tired.
This stuff happens everyday,families have split over such childish sounding little schemes;performed on the innocent by the clever of this world.Ever been conned on basis of 'in good faith'? Encore,it's just that little aspect of 'inherent goodness' that got you in.Sorry,we keep learning.
Certainly it's okay to have good qualities, ambitions and dreams but watch out not to fall prey of another's evil schemes,just out of unguarded ambition,wanton desire or the plain agony that is innocence.The harder guys are watching and well,'its by our own feathers that we are smitten'. Stay guarded my guy, someone could be feasting on that vulnerable spot you knew nothing about.'Know thyself',really there's no greater defense.Fly higher and faster like the eagle does.

Oliver asks for more!

2005-07-19T06:02:00.000-07:00

That was one courageous guy...You heard them say didn't you?Yes he did it under duress,fear and pain. The big boy had actually threatened to do the unthinkable, indeed he had meant it. From the look on his face, one could see he wasn't jesting. He was for real; the hunger had been too much it had driven him crazy it had awoken the animal in him. Just the sight of him was enough to invoke terror and command unquestioning obedience from the other boys. He had done it before, in many ways pushing at the bathroom ,jumping the queue and literally bullying the other boys,who had borne it with many an unuttered groan and cursing. But this was too much, the agony of their imaginations was sending them nuts. The thought of pouring real red blood and feasting on some queer tasting flesh of one of them, by the big old bully was just more than their guts could stomach.They surveyed the room; their bowels bulging and receding with the pain of indecision. Just who would brave it?All of them knew something had to be done, but just how to do it was their dilemma. Strange acrid dryness must have spread into their mouths as they struggled with their own lack of courage, they must have wept within themselves at the helplessness of their plight. Really who would save them?.
Then out of nowhere the tiny little Oliver, the object of their bullying and teasing but with an amazing courage that nature and necessity had conferred on him,lifts his tawny frame, haunted by hunger, mistreating and sheer pain and actually does the undoerble and reaches out for MORE.Even the server is shocked his tureen and ladle dangerously hanging lose from his grip.Just who was this new breed, branded with a daredevil resolve?That night everyone would go home thinking and rethinking. Change was imminent, thanks to tiny Oliver.
Just like Oliver, many of us wish for more.Every night when we utter silent groans of discontent ,frustration and disgruntledness, like the boys we hope that somehow things may change. We push our mettle just a little more in a bid to cope.At times we agree to be beat down by the norm; you know 'this is the way stuff has been so who am I to change it?'Other times we exploit others' courage by threatening them to do things we'd never do,like in Oliver's case. A tired boss sends his junior to 'ask for more' by ordering him to perform an impossible task, a parent buries his head in the sand and hope his child will survive the odds somehow or would cast the blame on the poor thing, a victim of his own faults.The list is endless, you know.
In the end however I'd challenge each one of us to dare 'to ask fore more' in their lives, jobs ,academics and relationships remember like in Oliver's case, it is never a smooth sailing when one dares to ask for more .

so what's this

2005-07-11T08:56:00.000-07:00

Indeed another whining or is it just these issues that leave me on the edge of my chair and I simply have to complain .Today its about the authors. Oh yes! you know about them, just before they go on to share their stories there's this part called the 'dedication or acknowledgements' that in my opinion hasn't been very well utilised by most of them.Ever read one dedication that simply left you feeling a bit out of place not to mention slightly abashed by its content that borders the explicit?Certainly you have.Some of these guys imagine the dedication is another chance to appreciate their loved one ou bien their very cherished significant other.Really who cares whether the writer has 'a dear, most adored wife or some 'forever beautiful gal friend called FLO?'As if that's not enough some are even more revealing and all the more infuriating such as these: 'to my husband with whom I share the warmest bed in all seasons'.Just what are we supposed to think?
For most of us,at least those like me, literature does occupy a special place in our hearts.I am never in loss of words to compliment any good piece, but certainly cheap gossip and that kind of busy body talk are not at all part of my favourites.So when I set my mind to read and enjoy, leave alone offer my share of very academic criticism to a piece, I rarely want to know how many 'lovely wives' ou bien 'very cherished sweethearts' someone has.Honestly should that really be my priority?
In my opinion these writers should actually dedicate their work to their 'dear readers' who despite all the mistakes and intricate expressions, have spared their time to fathom and appreciate the writer's, line of thought.The love notes and marshy expressions could be done quite safely in their bedrooms.No don't get me wrong, I also have lot's of people to whom I owe so much, much more than what our favourite writer does to his 'tres chic and amazingly patient queen of a wife' but really do I say?Let's get professional and more appropriate.Thats all really I feel I have relieved my heart.And this is dedicated with most sincerity to 'all who would spare their time to please read of my thoughts'.'Much love'.....and there....look who's talking? so I 'll say lots of thanks.

immoral woman

2005-06-24T20:30:00.000-07:00

Ever heard that before? of course you have, maybe you've actually used it on someone.Guess the whole thing is just about sexual chastity and the like. I think we would do better to define sexual chastity in our own style shouldn't we?A well to do, quite upright gal, told me it's all about keeping our limits, say we could go all the way but keep the real act for later while for the conservatives even saying hallo to one of the opposite sex or ogling at some well formed backside of a sumptuous female is a clear compromise of one's treasured fortress of self control. Like many others I'm left to wonder who actually has the acceptable standard of good morals today.
In the end if we chose to abandon our houses of glass and came down to earth, it would do us some good to live where the rubber meets the road and simply stop judging others by standards we ourselves are not sure we can meet.For the women its even worse because the more we try to fit in garments we were not made for, it clearly gets even more tricky as we struggle to live our lives to the full and still work hard to conform to the 'set standards'. Self esteem is compromised and so much time is wasted just living up to another person's convictions.For me, I guess we all have a right to our own opinion and consciences.There's nothing as bad as lack of personal conviction in whatever we do. It reduces us to puppets and clearly sups the joie de vivre in a person and renders one so vulnerable to the many unfavorable forces of nature.
I challenge everyone to judge there own actions critically according to their own convictions and take responsibility for themselves. In their dressing, speech and sexuality.It is quite useless to try to conform to a particular standard that one does not believe in or to try and force one's convictions on others. Nothing is as stupid as playing the victim in our world today.
Next time you walking down town and you scowl at some rather revealing manner of dress ask yourself why for some reason you just can't keep your eyes off that quite 'provocative sight' and stop blaming your own weaknesses and dirty mind on others.

My aphrodisiac!

2005-06-14T16:03:00.000-07:00

So what's the above supposed to be? for some it's the image of some dance hall ta mali while for others it's some sharp sophisticated lady they saw at the supermarket and to yet others, it's one of an innocent village gal adorned with the milk of innocence that mocks her need to survive in a cutthroat world. Whatever it evokes in one's mind, goes a long way to define that particular person. Trouble only comes when in sheer misappropriation, someone actually dedicated the track to their own mother. Well, there may be nothing too grave with this, thinking of the hot beat in the track.To this person it may have conveyed an appreciation for motherly love and unconditional affection,feelings anyone would attribute to thier mother, even though his choice of song left many of us with many a nagging question.
In the end I really wonder what could be legally justified as one's aphrodisiac. I am led to think of the nights in an average Kenyan club where the euphoria of drink literally causes one to get lost in their own world, singing and incoherent chants rend the air with all manner of outrageous dancing styles. Now to these people, I should imagine nothing else does it better as an aphrodisiac as their precious drink would. Or during the 'msotodays' in campus when endless visits are made to the 'helb' offices all in wait of the treasured loan. Really when it is finally procured even the hottest 'supuu' would do little as an aphrodisiac! What of those of us holding our breath during the budget speech, there ought to have been one or two things to smile about giving an effect quite like these aphrodisiac substances do.
As far as I know, a classy lady with some model configuration body does little as an aphrodisiac to the regular guy in the street who's counting his last coins before entering a pub for a tot of 'kiruru. Really it does little to pretend. Anything that thrills you and causes your levels of adrenaline to rise, passes well for an aphrodisiac.There can never be a standard aphrodisiac substance, don't they say 'it's all in the mind?' sure it is.

Get up again

2005-06-04T21:30:00.000-07:00

And once more I'm compelled to appreciate the wonder of having such a nice little journal that receives my very heart, ever so gratefully.To me it's like a dear mistress who knows just the way to nurse and heal me really there could never be a better way to define the bond I have created with this my journal.
Boy, ever had a weakness that is hard to grow out of? Well I have.It can be frustrating to try and fail but one thing is for sure, I could never give up on myself, no matter what.It hurts to have to repeat the same thing more than once and forever having to reassure yourself that it's gonna be fine next time, above all the skeptic voices that just want to kill the very self of you.
Writing the new rules and adopting new strategies in the face of a new enemy,apparently hitherto unprecedented is not one of my favourite tasks.However being able to literally nurse my wounds has brought me closer to myself in a way that has made me appreciate to great proportions.

Why is it always so?

2005-06-03T19:16:00.000-07:00

For me, just like for many others I'm sure, finding true love has been rather rigorous process in which I give too much for so little.Just like in many unfortunate situations, little help has been given by all the friends and onlookers that have known my plight.Whenever they try to sympathise I'm naturally driven to self defense and attempts to deny my own need.This of course works well to shut up some unwelcome feigned feelings or save my poor ego from another ruthless insensitive beating,however the need still
remains and feelings of inadequacy still haunt my nights reducing me into some vulnerable child.
Now of course each one of us has the need to be loved.It's just one of those points of nature that mock our ego in that we could never fill the void this need creates in any other way.It's a constant reminder of our need for others no matter how burdensome they might be.
While for me it's been this uphill,for another it may just been so easy and flowing .Certainly this does leave me wondering how unfair life can be.But like all such rhetoric questions,I have myself to answer it.In the end I still owe it to myself to reassure myself,mend my bruised ego and reinstall myself into life's path.
Now I must accept some harsh realities in my life that actually do work against my wish to be loved.I should be ready to live within my limits and redefine my needs according to my means.It's at this point when we do well to meet with our own selves other than live in denial or refuse to embrace our own uniqueness.Really it should be quite futile and really pitiable to have one struggling so hard to live the 'ideal life' when clearly they were made from a different kind of cloth.
Say who says all of us must be loved in a particular way?Now this is one of those 'best left unspoken facts of life' like, 'we cant all be rich.While there's nothing wrong with dreaming of being loved in the fairy tale style it's also wise to fit the fairy tale scene into our world in which we form the real characters with all our hang ups and negative factors.In reformatting this scene we cant evade to appreciate the changes that must be made in our script.There definitely will be some goals to readjust,expectations to lower,past wounds to nurse and past mistakes to correct before we reinstall ourselves into the game.Not anymore like little children in wistful dreams but like mature people that have been refined by life.We become aware of our own needs and worth and we choose to define love in our terms.
So be encouraged take your time to revive yourself and always remember you owe it yourself to be treated with respect and true appreciation.You must set the standard by yourself.

I'm a blogger

2005-06-02T21:21:00.000-07:00

So finally I'm a bloger.Blogging, the life line of those who communicate best in writing is just the place for me.A journal is like an adored mistress.The same lucrativeness that a good mistress possesses is the one that holds a blogger to their page.
It's a place where I could write my tears,savour my joys and mock my fears without the slightest sense of inhibition.Indeed here one can afford to wander into the darkest stores and even venture into the skeletons in the cupboards of their lives.
In keeping a journal,we get to bond with our deepest selves.The magic of actually jumping out of one's skin and playing the spectator is equal to none.It's the platform from which the condiment in life's soup is brought to the test.Attitudes are revised,bonds created and severed and higher levels of personal growth are attained.
Now my experience as I registered as a blogger is one I'd definitely want to remember.Just like had been specified, the process didn't demand too much computer jargon,much to my relief.My knowledge of computers is quite basic allowing me not anymore than how to distinguish hardware from software.Encouraged by that clarification, I went forth to fill through the forms but I must have been too hurried through the whole thing as I came to discover.I submitted my entry and waited.
Of course I was anxious for the reply,who wouldn't be?Soon a new entry into my hitherto quite monotonous inbox.I open it.Beautiful preliminaries,very warm ,I must add,then comes the gist,the url I'd chosen was invalid!Boy I'm lost.Say who is this aspiring blogger who doesn't know something quite as basic as the appropriate url?However with a few guidelines ,I push on.
So I work through another paperwork and I submit once again.The reply is almost instant,such efficiency!This time round less formal and of course I love that.there is this thrill whenever I wade through the ice of formality into a more agreeable friendly rapport.So I read on.The url is there alright only it isn't accessible,Now help me!I can access it from my computer.Undaunted, I quickly reply even giving the process of accessing it from my computer in a language that would frustrate an expert with its boring plainness.
Once again the reply is there.Such patience! I remark to myself.With a careful precision I'm made to understand why the site is only accessible from my computer and nowhere else.
At first it is ok but after sometime I begin to wonder how rusted my basics in computer literacy must be.
I read through again, trying to piece it up and slowly the jig saw comes through.It is stuff I know only for a while, through the maze of excitement I must have lost myself a bit.
Nonetheless we all learn everyday.Only at times patient teachers are not always there and I pose for a moment to appreciate the cordial lesson I've just received and I challenge myself to give it to another of course in a different field.Or what else can one do?